But Lord, I Don't Want a Divorce!

It's been nearly two years since my husband pulled out in his 18-wheeler and never came back. I've been praying for reconciliation and hoping one day the phone would ring and it would be him saying he was sorry and that he wanted to come home. We had been talking for several months and had some nice conversations. He talked about coming home and said he wasn't happy with his live-in girlfriend. We talked about meeting halfway just to spend the day together and talk. I even bought a new outfit for the occasion. Sadly, the meeting never happened.

While driving home from work yesterday I talked to him on the phone. He told me he filed for divorce and said I should be getting the papers in the mail any day now. He was calloused, cold, and sounded angry and distant. His girlfriend was in the background insulting me throughout the entire conversation. She was literally laughing at me because she was getting what she wanted...my husband. It took everything I had to keep my composure. I was so surprised by her behavior and the fact that he was allowing it to take place. I felt like I was suffocating from the emotional pain. All I could think was, "How this could be happening to me after more than 30 years of marriage?"

There are no words to express the pain and hurt crushing my heart. Everything I have fought so hard to keep is slipping away and I can't stop it. My hopes and dreams of growing old together with my husband are shattered. The man who promised to love me forever has a new life with someone else. All I have left are the memories of our life together.

When I got home I wanted to fall on the couch and pull a blanket over my head. Instead I forced myself to get my Bible out and read it and spend time in prayer. God's word brought comfort to my breaking heart. 

Psalm 142: 3 

When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who knows my way."

God knows the direction He has for my life. This is a time when I need to trust Him for the outcome. I find myself praying, "But Lord, I don't want a divorce! Your word says You hate divorce, so why is this happening?" Then each time I sense the same prompting. I have to simply trust and rest in God's promises. He is either Lord of my life or He isn't. If I'm going to live the Christian life, then I need to surrender my pain, hurt, and fear to Him, truly believing He has a purpose and a plan for all of this that I can't see right now.  

Being a food addict, I've wanted to eat everything in sight since yesterday. Instead, I've been running to God's word and allowing it to be my comfort rather than food, and for that I am thankful. It satisfies me so much more than mindless eating ever could. I walk away strengthened and encouraged rather than feeling miserable and sick.

The storms of life my be raging around me right now, and I am slowly learning to dance in the rain. I am simply going to trust in the One who stills the storms and who fills my heart with joy and peace.