Struggling

I have so much to be thankful for recently, yet I find myself struggling with the loneliness thing again. I had a busy weekend with family and friends and parties and cookouts. I find it's often around holidays I miss my  husband the most. It's more of a reminder of what I don't have. I see other couples together and it seems like I'm the only one without someone. Actually, in my immediate family I am the only one alone. 

I hate it when I feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting over the worst of  it and then all at once I'm back to square one again. Separation in marriage is a lot like going through a death, only death usually makes more sense. When my mom died suddenly at the age of 55, it was hard. Yet, at the same time I had the comfort that she was in a better place. I could grieve and think about the good memories when I missed her. There were no hard feelings to cope with. With my husband leaving there's always that feeling of abandonment. The thought of him just a state away with the other woman is hard to deal with. I admit it, it gets to me a lot. The person left behind is left to cope with the heartache while the spouse who moved on has a new life, new love, and probably doesn't spend as much time thinking about what was left behind. 

I still can't understand how one can walk away from their entire family, especially their children and grandchildren and never look back.  Her family has now become his new family. He is spending time with her grandchild instead of his own. It just makes no sense. 

Things have been crazy at work with us switching over to the new electronic medical record system. There's a lot of uncertainly over the future of our jobs. We just never know what to expect from one day to the next. Job security is a thing of the past and not all spouses take their marriage vows seriously. Life is that way.

I'm thankful God never lets me down. I know His promises will stand forever. He never changes, and I can trust Him today and for the future. I find such comfort in His word. Though I may feel like I'm standing on sinking sand, surrounded by uncertainty, I can rest assured that I'm really standing on a firm foundation because I am a child of God. When all the "what if''s" go through my mind, I can relax knowing He is with me always.

Tonight I'm reflecting on a tiny portion of scripture that carried me through a time of very deep depression in the past and is still dear to my heart today. I treasure it. When I feel discouraged, it always lifts my spirits and reminds me where my real strength is found.

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)