The Breast Lump

The dreaded breast lump showed up the other day. I think it's something most woman fear. I will be having the mammogram Friday and seeing a surgeon on Monday. I'm not sure how I feel yet. This past year has been a gigantic test of my faith and filled with trials. It's only by my faith in God that I have managed to keep going. I will get through this the same way I managed to deal with the other trials, with God by my side. I'm praying it's just a cyst or something benign, but what if it is cancer? 

So many things went through my mind while driving home from the doctors today. I'm alone. I don't want to be sick and dying alone. I thought about how I would give anything to have my husband by my side right now. It would be nice to have a strong masculine shoulder to cry on. Strong arms to hold me and comfort me when it feels as if everything around me is falling apart. I know I have my wonderful children and my family nearby, but it's not the same as having your spouse there by your side. They all have families of their own, jobs, and busy lives. I thought about finances. I have to work to support myself. What if I become too sick to work? Then what? I thought about all my writing projects that are in process. Will I ever be able to finish them? Is time running out? I thought about all the books I wanted to read yet and the plans I was making for the future. What if I become a burden on my children? What if I never see my grandchildren grow up? Will I be at little Cabella's dance recital next summer or at Amayah Grace's soccer games next spring? How many days are left to see little Austin show up at my door with his sweet little boy smile as he arrives at grandmas house always so eager to see me.  How quickly life can change...in an instant. 

Once I arrived home I took a walk outside and saw the lilies blooming in the woods, so beautiful. I thought about the Bible verse from Matthew 6: 28 about the lilies of the field and how they don't toil or spin but yet are so beautifully dressed. We shouldn't worry. God takes care of things. 

And I do have loving arms to hold me. God is here with me. He never leaves me. Yet, it's human nature to worry and allow emotions to take over at times. Facing uncertainty is scary, but God is in control. With Him I can face tomorrow.