Tears Weigh More Than Pounds

First of all, let me apologize for neglecting this blog. I won't make excuses. It's pretty obvious I haven't done well in the weight loss/food addiction department. I'm still VERY much on the journey. But, I'm learning more about the root cause of obesity as I sort through my own emotions. I guess it's all part of the learning and growing process.

I enjoy watching the TV show Extreme Weight Loss with Chris and Heidi Powell. Each Tuesday, during a two-hour program, we see a person's year-long transformation. I think it's the best weight loss program on TV. I never cared for the competition-style weight loss shows. This show is unique and deals with the emotional reasons that made the person overweight. Watching each episode makes me more aware of the connection between obesity and hidden emotions. We've all heard that its not what you're eating when you have a weight problem, it's about what's eating you. That's true. A comment was made on one of the recent episodes that I don't think I will forget: 

"Tears weigh more than pounds"

Watching these people come to terms with their emotions is helping me see how much I need to come to terms with my own inner struggles. Chris Powell really stresses the need to get to the root cause of what is making someone turn to food. Usually this takes place early on in their transformation year. Chris often says they will not move forward until they face the pain they've been trying to numb with food.

I'm a work in progress in the confronting-emotions department. After my husband left to live with his girlfriend in another state four years ago, I ate myself up to an all-time high weight. Rather than facing what had happened, I turned to food. Sure, I had times where I dieted, lost weight, and did pretty well. However, eventually, I always returned to my old destructive habits of eating to soothe the hurt and pain. Why? Because I never truly dealt with the underlying cause of my obesity. 

Anyone who has ever been there will understand the feeling of rejection that comes when your husband of more than 30 years leaves without telling you. It's hard to explain the hurt associated with hearing the person you loved since you were a teenager tear your heart to pieces with their calloused words. It's a wound that cuts deep and will destroy you if you let it. I've allowed it to destroy me by eating to numb my suffering, which in turn caused weight gain and poor health.

The truth is, burying emotions not only causes weight gain, it causes numerous stress-related health problems. Stress is harmful to the body and will lead to major health issues if not properly handled. I deal with this personally each time my husband calls. Just talking to him always sends me into a health flare up, even though most of the time we are not arguing about anything. Just hearing his voice hurts me, because he still chooses to live apart from his entire family. When the children try to reach out to him, he hurts them also, or he finds some way to blame me. He has never once taken responsibility for his actions. Each time he blames me or lies, my self-esteem takes a major hit. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. It's so destructive that I start to believe the lies he says or try to figure out what is wrong with me. It's toxic. I told my best friend that dealing with this issue with my marriage is like waking up each day and drinking a big glass of poison. 

Sorry if this post isn't very motivating, but when I started this blog, I promised I would always be honest and share my true thoughts and emotions. Hiding behind the truth is not the way to healing and overcoming emotional eating. I want to be real with others. Battling an addiction is messy, and it is a process that takes time. So, what you get here with this blog is honesty, along with the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Tears and emotional pain are definitely more weighty than the fat we carry on our bodies. I'm slowly coming to grips with how much this has and is affecting me and the quality of my life. I need to face the truth of my circumstances and begin to confront them. That is what I'm currently working on. 

I've allowed my husband to call me whenever he feels like it to chat about everyday things. He continues to drag his feet about the divorce but still lives with the other woman. He wants updates and photos of the kids, but yet he makes no effort to contact his children or grandchildren. I've had numerous Christian friends, pastors, and my counselor tell me that I need to break all ties with him. They've told me if he wants his family, then he needs to ask for forgiveness and put forth an effort to re-establish relationships with them. I'ts not okay to live with another woman and continue to call your wife. Yet, I've endured this for more than four years.

As many of you know, I've been standing and praying for the restoration of my marriage, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I know many marriages that have been healed and survived affairs and other difficult circumstances. But, there comes a point where I believe I need to start protecting my health. The only time I really need to discuss anything with him is if he wants to return home and have his family back, or if he decides to pursue the divorce. I can continue to pray for him, but I have to stop enabling him to hurt me. It really is not normal to chat with your wife on the phone while living with another woman. 

I have a tough road ahead of me to work through the emotions I've buried. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but I have to start somewhere to regain control of my health. I have to take a stand and face the truth. I need to remember how much those tears do weigh and how my own transformation can only happen when I choose to take the steps necessary to face facts and confront the pain I'm medicating with food. 

In many ways I feel this year is my year of transformation. It's the year I've been released from a job I didn't like. I'm working from home doing what I love-writing for a living. God is revealing things to me on a daily basis that I neglected to see in the past. I feel as if I'm finally beginning to walk out of the darkness and into the light. The road may be long, and there will be detours along the way, but with God by my side, I will conquer my habitual food addiction. 

What about you? What or who do you need to confront before you begin your own transformation process?